One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking
across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything.
So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really
looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?"
The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence."
The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The
same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do
it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist
to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack,
a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first
time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer
with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers
back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made
a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the
gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on
the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's
right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked
a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In
the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would
you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50%
of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!
Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She
says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take
out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she
picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them
in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is
A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the
fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere
in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing
his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor,
I have a ranch only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's
going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time". Not wanting to be unneighborly
the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?" " Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor,
" Only gonna be the two of us".
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He
stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the
most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well
we were married 35 years."