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Jokes
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best
of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill
the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And
as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend
one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy,
I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty,"
Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your
grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered
Shawn.
"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin'
at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if
I filter it through my kidneys first?
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore,
he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances
to get the congregation in a giving mood.
"Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the
roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand
up."
Just at that moment, the organist started playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender:
"Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will
be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The
next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender
follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?"
replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill,
take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the
amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it
was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man
said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned
back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender
walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear
a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know
something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a
wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind
guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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